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Consent, Community, and the Importance of Leadership (via Frisky Fairy) February 23, 2015

Posted by shaunphilly in Polyamory.
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Frisky Fairy has written up some thoughts about the situation going on with Wes Fenza, his being removed from the PLN, and what leadership requires of us.

I agree, generally, with her post. She is more optimistic than I am about the possibility of Wes’ (in particular) ability to make amends in an appropriate way (especially since he is still harassing and abusing at least one person close to me in the exact same way that we have been describing), but I will still hold out some hope that he will take responsibility for his mistakes, try to genuinely make meaningful amends, and alter his toxic behavior which dominates many of his relationships and interactions with people.

I believe in rehabilitation, restoration, and forgiveness. So far, Wes has shown no capability to even recognize he has done or is continuing to do anything wrong. On the contrary, his behavior has been the exact opposite of that. While I was at the talk, given by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, about Abuse in poly dynamics, I was sitting in the back of the room, while Wes sat directly up front. At some point in the talk, it seemed to me (And not only to me, BTW) that Franklin and Eve were describing him and his behavior to the room, while he sat directly in front of them on his phone (seemingly tweeting about the hashtag #AbuseInPoly, which some of the people he’s hurt took exception to) and chatting with a woman next to him off and on.

Ginnytweet

Ginny’s response to some of Wes’ tweets about #AbuseInPoly

I don’t know what he was talking about with the woman next to him, but he seemed to be flirting. Here we were, talking about abuse, which he had been accused of, removed from the PLN because of those accusations, and he had the myopic temerity to not only be tweeting about #AbuseInPoly during the talk but also to be potentially flirting with a woman next to him while a very difficult and emotional presentation was going on.

What the actual fuck?

It’s like he’s completely incapable of even considering that maybe, just maybe, he’s done anything wrong.

I hope that changes.

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Comments»

1. Amber Dillenbeck - February 23, 2015

The woman he was sitting next to was me, for the record.

2. shaunphilly - February 23, 2015

No, the woman on his left [you were on his right].

3. Amber Dillenbeck - February 23, 2015

I was on his left.

shaunphilly - February 23, 2015

Amber, I know what you look like. Whether you were on his left or his right (and I remember you being on his right) he was talking, intermittently, with a woman who was not you.

4. Amber Dillenbeck - February 23, 2015

Who was this mysterious girl on the right he was super into? It’s weird I don’t remember her. Apparently you were paying more attention to what my boyfriend was doing than I was, from all the way across the room.

5. shaunphilly - February 23, 2015

I don’t know who she was, because I didn’t catch her name or talk to her at the conference. This attempt to emotionally manipulate me will not work any further.

6. Amber Dillenbeck - February 23, 2015

Is it emotional manipulation to be totally baffled by the fact that you’re telling me that my boyfriend was flirting with someone right next to me and I wasn’t aware of it? I was interacting with him almost the entire time, sharing text messages, and putting my head on his shoulder because I was tired. I really can’t imagine you’re talking about anyone other than me.

7. Alex - February 24, 2015

“That is not a boundary you have any right to request…”?!? Seriously? Am I the only person who thinks that’s an incredibly scary response to someone’s clearly stated wishes?

8. Mandude - February 24, 2015

Yeah, a person has the right to request any boundary they feel they need or want. To deny this or refuse to respect those boundaries is basically stating that in point of fact, consent is irrelevant to you.


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