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You don’t have to be a slut, but you should if you are May 22, 2012

Posted by shaunphilly in Culture and Society, Polyamory.
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I love sex.  I think people should have as much sex as they want.

There are a number of cultural, social, and psychological barriers between people’s desires and what they do.  In many cases, these barriers are necessary and good, such as the object of said desire being attached to a subjective point of view that does not share that desire.  In other words, wanting sex with another person is insufficient; they need to want it too.  Having sex with mere objects, however, is fine (so long as it’s your object, I suppose).

Religion, while not really the ultimate source of such barriers, certainly perpetuates many of the behaviors that act as a barrier to healthy desires.  Religion is but a very prominent and powerful outgrowth of human behavior, and much of that behavior is not healthy.  Theological positions which declare our desires to be sinful, ungodly, etc are expressions of our deep fears and insecurities projected onto the universe, magnifying our senses of guilt, repression, and self-deprivation beyond its rational scope.  Most of theology, that is, is anti-human.

We all want sex to some degree.  For some, that amount is zero, and those people will probably not be sluts.  I mean, they can choose to participate in sex, but without the raw desire and attraction, why would they?  It’s not what they really want, so deep down they are not sluts.

For other people, that degree of interest in sex is great.  When I was younger, I remember spending weekends with a girlfriend where marathon sexcapades were common.  Having aged a bit, that is no longer the case but I still love sex, and I like it with women of varying body types, varying personalities, and even with varying numbers of them.  I am an unapologetic slut deep down, and I a not a slightest bit ashamed of that, and I love meeting people who feel the same way, or who at least share an attraction to me.

Whether they also share it with 1, 2 or a 10 others is not really important.

But I also don’t have that much time.  I have two very meaningful relationships, with my wife(!) Ginny and my girlfriend Gina.  Frankly, I don’t have much time to meet other women.  And other times even if I know other women I am attracted to, I don’t communicate it if it seems to create logistical problems, I get no indication that the attraction is two-way, etc.  But, when I do meet someone that I find attractive, I often communicate my interest.  Sometimes it works out, other times not so much.

The point is that I follow where my real desires actually lead, and not to some ideal or expectation.  I don’t artificially pretend that I am more or less interested in sex than I actually am.  Not everyone does this.  Some people reign in their desires, magnify them, or try and intentionally divert them away from some direction they find objectionable.  Now, if they have a good reason for doing so (and what I consider a good reason may differ from theirs), then no problem.  But some people are not comfortable with their sexuality, and that is not healthy.

Slut-shaming is a problem.  There is no reason to talk badly about a person who has a lot of sex with a lot of people, unless they are hurting people in the process.  There is nothing inherently wrong with such a thing as really liking sex and then having it, so long as it is done consensually, comes from real desire, and with transparency.  There is also no reason to feel bad about wanting such things to start with.

From where I stand, the problem comes from where people have those desires but don’t find healthy ways to act on them.  That is if you do have those desires to be sexual, and you are not seeking healthy and consensual ways to act on them, then perhaps there is something wrong.

Are you in an exclusive relationship? Perhaps you need to have an open and frank conversation with your partner.  Are you intimidated? You need to find ways to take steps to get over that.  You you feel dirty? Come on, you don’t find that as part of what makes it hot? No? Well, then perhaps you should find “clean” ways to have sex.

I feel too much pity for people who get into their 40’s, 50’s, or later and finally cannot stand to put off their desires any longer.  I have met many people in the poly community that talk about how they ignored so much about their sexuality when they were young, and then they found later on what they wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad they did find it, I just wish people would find it earlier.

We need to be who and what we really are under all the bullshit of socialization, religious training, and following of default expectations.  We will all be happier getting what we want out of life by pursuing it rather than putting it off.

In short, we’d be better getting off than putting off.

 

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Comments»

1. K-ghislaine - May 22, 2012

Very well put 🙂

2. Esther - May 23, 2012

FINALLY, something that is both poly and skeptic. I was worried I’d have to write it myself. Found you via your link on JT’s blog. I probably won’t be commenting much (I usually don’t), but I will be reading. Thanks so much for this.

3. Is there room for sex (or at least sex-positivity) at atheist/skeptical conferences? « atheist, polyamorous, skeptics - May 30, 2012

[…] comment about the intersection of issues related to sex-positivity and skepticism.   I’m an unapologetic slut who is not only quite comfortable with my sexuality, but who believes that sexuality is and should […]

4. An unchallenged value is not worth much; or why your values might be wrong « atheist, polyamorous, skeptics - December 11, 2012

[…] you should find the ways you want to express those sexual inclinations.  If you are slut, then you should be a slut. If you like a drug, then if you can do it without it being destructive to the world around you, […]

5. johnny - December 16, 2012

excellent article. as a 2 month old poly, I want to read more.

6. The Philadelphia Slut Walk is tomorrow!! | atheist, polyamorous skeptics - September 27, 2013

[…] I’m a slut.  I know, I know, that’s supposed to be a derogatory term for sexually active women, but frankly I never accepted most of our mainstream hetero/mono-normative lingo anyway.  We here at PolySkeptic are sex-positive, sex-enjoyin’, heathen mofos who support people of all genders, sexual orientations, and levels of kininess gettin’ their freak on.  Be the slut you want to be! […]

7. 5 years | atheist, polyamorous skeptics - February 12, 2014

[…] not be polyamorous.  Also, sex-positivity is a good thing, and we should all be comfortable with being slutty (if we want to) and we should sin responsibly.  What else did I write about polyamory? When it comes to love, we […]


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