When did you choose to be monogamous?

I have been asked by a number of people over the years why I am polyamorous. It can be in the form of when I chose to be polyamorous, how long I have actively become polyamorous, how does that work given jealousy, and so forth. But I think that such questions might be misisng the larger question.

When do people choose to be monogamous?

Have most monogamous couples had a discussion about exclusivity when they reached a certain point in their relationship? I highly doubt that many couples have had the mono/poly discussion at all, actually. I would love to hear anecdotes to the contrary, as real statistical data is likely to be severely lacking.

Even those couples who might dabble in swinging, swapping with other couples, or even eventually became polyamorous probably never had such a conversation. Most people are ignorant, rather than intimated or uninterested in non-monogamy, especially polyamory

But in a strict sense monogamous people are choosing to live that lifestyle, even if it is an uninformed choice. The authenticity of the choice is not overwhelming because in most cases alternative options are not realistically considered even if they are understood to be actual options. It’s hard to make an informed decision when you know almost nothing about it; even most of my friends and family know next to nothing about how polyamory works.

The fact is that monogamy is the cultural default, and is rarely realistically questioned. This is why the polyamorous community is so small, the swinger community is often anonymous and often secretive, and even affairs are kept quiet; they are a blemish on the fantastical ideal of monogamy.

Having been monogamous in my life, I have a perspective where my choice to try and maintain a polyamorous lifestyle is informed. And for the few monogamous people who are well aware of polyamory and have discussed the issue with their partner, their choice is authentic and informed as well as mine is, but they are rare.

The vast majority of our culture seems to be monogamous by default, rather than by authentic choice. Until the idea gains more mainstream attention and understanding starts to spread (if this ever happens), this ignorance shall be the norm.

Polyamory and Thanksgiving awkwardness (avoided in the name of humor))

So yesterday, while visiting my mom for Thanksgiving, something amusing happened. After dinner, while sitting around and watching some TV and whatnot I got up to get my phone which was charging in the kitchen. By some irrelevant idiosyncrasy of social interaction it came to me to give reason for my getting up, and I said that I had to check my phone for text messages from my girlfriend. This brought some degree of mirth to a guest with whom I was barely acquainted, and she made some comment about how funny I am.

Because, you know, my fiance was right next to me. I’m obviously making some joke about my girlfriend which only exists for the sake of such jokes. I couldn’t actually, like in real life, have a girlfriend and a fiance as well. And even if I was that kind of douche bag, I would not make such an announcement with my doting fiance so close by, as that would be inhuman. What kind of monster am I?

And this is a phenomenon I have noticed for many years among the normals. There are these jokes about girlfriends, flirting between couples, and so forth which exists at the surface of monogamous life. Especially if some drinks are being served, there is a hilarity about these comments.

But only when it’s a joke.

I did not correct her in her mistake that I was joking. I did not say “Actually, I really am texting my girlfriend. In fact she is my fiance’s girlfriend as well.” This is because not only was I so amused by the moment that I didn’t really think about it, but by the time it occurred that some consciousness-raising would be possible, the moment had passed. And so it passed as a mere joke, to be forgotten.

But had I done so, I imagine that it would have dropped with some weight on the room. Yes, my mo knows about Gina, but she does not exactly advertise my uncommon lifestyle to the world.

So what is it about this levity of non-monogamy in the normal world while its reality is so often threatening, strange, and jealousy-inducing? Why do normal monogamous people find it so funny to joke about straying but find it so, well, scary in reality?

I’m sorry to say, I don’t have any solid answers to this question right now. I think that it is sufficient to make the observation and allow it to sit on my mind for a little while. Perhaps I’ll some up with something brilliant this weekend.

Or, I’m just to lazy to compose such brilliance right now. Whatever works for you, my dear reader.

Happiness and Exclusivity

I had a conversation with a long-time acquaintance (and one-time friend) a couple of years ago about, well, a lot of things but which included polyamory. This is a person who claimed, credibly, to have had experience with things such as group sex, alternative sexual communities, etc. Nonetheless she had grown out of all of that, and she seemed to view my active polyamorous lifestyle as a sort of atavism towards our younger days when we were young and experimenting with ourselves.

She also seemed to have somehow concluded that my view of monogamy was to view it as prudish and ridiculous. Now, under some circumstances I might be willing to make such a declaration, but certainly not in general. I think that the assumption of monogamy is often problematic and I would like more people to understand the skills which I have learned from being polyamorous, but I do not think there is anything inherently bad, immature, nor reprehensible about deciding to be monogamous.

But one thing she said has stuck with me since that conversation. It was right after she said that she had experiences with non-monogamous activities that she said that she was with a man (her husband) who made her happy. She emphasized the fact that he had qualities which she appreciated, both physically and otherwise, which sufficiently satisfied her. And while I don’t remember the exact words, she implied that my desiring, or perhaps even requiring, multiple relationships was immature. She said that if I ever had a real woman (like herself, whom she considered out of my league) that I would not be able to handle her and I only chose this lifestyle because I was with inferior, insecure, women.

The basis for this claim was to indicate some recent women I had dated. One recent long term relationship, a girl I still talk to occasionally but with whom I have no continuing relationship , she referred to as a “fool.” The woman with who I had been living, but who had recently broke up with me, was referred to as highly insecure (hence my ability to talk her into polyamory), and the girl I was with at the time and with whom I had recently moved to Atlanta (yeah, her…) just seemed to my acquaintance to be similar to the last; insecure, uninteresting, being manipulated and possibly victimized by an insecure and predatory man.

Let’s just say this acquaintance of mine does not think highly of me, at least anymore.

To her, at least at that time, this polyamory thing was for insecure or at least immature people who are trying to overcompensate for something lacking. Real adults (“real” men and women) don’t do silly things like that It’s an old charge, and an amusing one for me.

But what stuck out to me was her repeated insistence that she was happy with her relationship as it existed. She saw no reason to add to it in any way, and I was missing something in not being with a “real woman” in a “real” relationship. I have no doubt that her claim to happiness was (and probably still is) sincere and probably true. I know her husband (I’ve known them both since high school), and he is a person I like. But something about her comment has stuck with me, and today I want to talk about why.

Conflating structure with quality

Here is what I think my old acquaintance, as well as many others I have talked to since who have made similar arguments, are missing. If you are happy, is your happiness dependent upon the structure or the quality of your relationship?

By the “structure” of your relationship I mean the negotiated rules and boundaries. Are you permitted to pursue other relationships? What are the limitations on those relationships? Are you married, just dating, and will you be co-habitating? Things like that.

By the “quality” of the relationship, I mean the level of communication, shared goals and activities, and other related considerations. Are you honest both with yourself and your partners? Do you try and communicate and address issues as they arise? Do you make an effort to maintain your relationship and not merely coast? Things like that.

In terms of the health of your relationship, it is not really relevant what the structure of your relationship is. Whatever rules and boundaries you agree to (non-coerced, obviously), you can be happy so long as you are doing the necessary work involved. The quality of your relationship seems to be a measure of your happiness itself. In other words, the level of communications and so forth are tool you use to make and maintain a healthy relationship. If you don’t communicate well, don’t share goals, and you don’t like each other then being happy in that relationship seems impossible.

So, what does it matter whether this acquaintance of mine was/is happy being monogamous? What does that have to do with my being polyamorous? Why address the structure of my relationship rather than the quality? Well, perhaps she knew little to nothing about the quality of my relationships (this seemed true). And in fact the quality of those relationships at the time were not ideal, but they were good. But she didn’t know that, and she showed no interest in addressing that in any case. For her, it was sufficient to say that she was monogamous, was happy, and so I was just overcompensating for something by doing what I was doing.

Happiness has nothing necessarily to do with structure of your relationship.

If you are honest with your partner(s), if you make an effort to communicate effectively, and you share goals, interests, and quality time with them, then you have a much better chance at being happy with them. Once you decide to do the necessary work to improve whatever relationships you have, you have the ability to make them healthier and more satisfying. And this can be done whether you decide to be monogamous, to swap partners, to go to swing clubs, to have casual sex outside the relationship, or start your own polyamorous commune where everyone belongs to everyone equally.

What matters in terms of being happy is being honest with what you want, communicating that to the people you care about, and doing the work it takes to maintain a healthy relationship based upon those considerations. Anyone can do this, whether they are monogamous like my acquaintance or polyamorous like me. I think this is something that our culture in general needs to better understand.

What I am saddened by is that my friendship with this person has not continued, in part because of this conversations. But largely it was the events around that time, much of it due to my own misdeeds, led to her distancing herself from me. And since then I have done considerable work to improve myself, and I believe that all of her criticisms of me at that time are no longer relevant. Nonetheless, now all that remains between us is the inauthentic polite chit-chat at our occasional meetings at a party, which has been thankfully rare. I think if she knew me now, as well as the quality of my relationships, she could see the two amazing women of high quality (“real women^TM“) I have built relationships with.

But she’s stubborn, and so it will likely not come to be. But I’m happy, and if she is happy then I suppose I can live with lost friends. What bothers me is being judged for what I’m not, by a person who seems to have no interest in knowing who I am. If I’m going to be judged, I want to be judged for what I am.

A debate about polyamory and monogamy

I was directed to an interesting conversation on Facebook today. It is in two parts.

If you just refuse to read it, essentially it is a conversation between two people (“Jaime” and “Kelly”) about monogamy and “permanent promiscuity,” but the term polyamory is used in the conversation as well.

There are many points I find incomplete, flawed, etc on both sides (although I agree with the polyamory-advocate “Jaime” much more, obviously), but I will not bother with in-depth analysis.

What I do want to comment on is that “Kelly” comes across as saying that promiscuity, or polyamory, is too hard for most people and so to ask it of people is asking too much. This comes across to me as apologizing for human weakness.

It sounds to me like a person saying “being a good person is too hard, and you can’t expect people to do it.” Or, perhaps more to the point; “doing the work involved to become more emotionally mature, honest, and less fearful about my insecurities is too hard.”

I don’t have much sympathy for this. It is merely excusing laziness, fear, and mediocrity at best.

As I like to say, if you are happy, then great. But if it might be possible to be happier with some effort, what is stopping you besides fear and insecurity?

What happens in Atlantic City…

…stays in Atlantic City?

Except when you blog about it.

And no, I will not be posting pictures.

And no, I actually will not be writing about what occurred in Atlantic City over the weekend at my friend’s bachelor party. First, it really was not that rowdy that it would be worth divulging. Second, the other mens’ wives would not approve…even though not much happened that would be very upsetting. Third, it’s none of your damned business!

In retrospect

There was a moment, the day after the primary revelry, while we were sitting around the beach while a bit hung over, under slept, and digesting our brunch, that someone clearly asked; “so, what’s the story for the wives?” It sounded like a joke, but it was only partially so. The truth is that some of what happened, even if tame compared to the things I do with my girlfriend while out at clubs and bars, would be problematic for them if their partner’s knew.

And this got me thinking (as well as one does while hung over) about what this implies about the nature of marriage in our largely heteronormative and monogamous culture. (This is a subject I have written about before). It got me thinking about the expectations, insecurities, and fears that underlie the need for such a question. And, especially since these are people (both the men and some of their wives) whom I know quite well, having known them for years, I began to see things that I had not quite known. Those details are not important, and even if they are they are personal so they will not be illuminated further here.

It seems that the bachelor party is a ritual of our culture wherein monogamous men can allow themselves to behave a little past (or, in some cases, a lot past) the boundaries of their relationships, so long as the details of said ritual are not exposed. That secrecy seems to be part of the ritual. It is a time to let loose a little, to step outside of their normal life and into an alternate reality for themselves, and there is an understanding that what happens there stays between the participants of said ritual.

In another sense, this ritual seems to partially be designed as a temptation exercise. Described as a last chance to live the bachelor’s life before the plunge into marriage and commitment (even though the couple has usually been committed for some time at that point), it seems like an excuse to put the groom-to-be in a position to test their willpower, usually while quite drunk, in the face of scantily clad young women. In a sense, if you can avoid said temptation under the circumstances of this ritual, you supposedly can do so for the rest of your life, even if the two things really don’t have much to do with each other. In other words, specific temptations are not the same as a personal set of needs and desires that are eschewed over time and which may conflict with the confines of a specific relationship.

An Alternative Point of View

Coming from the point of view of being polyamorous, which includes the pragmatic necessity of communication, honesty, and openness about my desires and needs, I find myself wondering to what extent this ritual still has meaning. More interestingly, perhaps, is the question of whether the concept of a bachelor party is even meaningful to someone in my situation, at least in the same way. If I were getting married (which I may do at some point) the ritual would be meaningless, although it still could be a great time.

It would, in fact, just be an expensive night out on the town where I am not paying for anything, including the possibility of strippers, sluts, or prostitutes (sluts would be preferable, being one myself). And the irony is that this does not really sound like that much fun, mostly because it would all be activities which would be acceptable any other time for me. I suppose it sounds like more fun when it is outside of what is acceptable; most of us like to be bad sometimes, especially if we think we can get away with it.

I would much prefer to skip the pretense of the swanky clubs with their cover charges, expensive drinks, and gobs of sexy women in little dresses…ok, keep those…and just go out for a few drinks with some friends like I would any Friday or Saturday night. But then, I’m missing something important here; the revelry that such a night allows is not only for me, but for the other men who are in monogamous relationships and who may want an excuse to let out their inner slut, even if only in drunken exclamation and not in action. Further, it is understood to be a safe place to act in this way; what happens at the bachelor party stays there.

Except that any women I would marry would not only want to hear about what would happen during such revelry, but they might want to see pictures and, perhaps, to be there to help my inner slut come out a little bit more. (But then the other men would have to behave because there is a woman there…and she might tell the other women…). And that, my friends, is the main benefit of an open, honest, and slutty relationship with a polyamorous woman; I don’t have to hide my inner slut, so there is no wild self that gets freed at such parties because that part of me gets regular exercise. And therefore such a bachelor party which may look like a release or a freeing of pent-up desires from most people’s point of view looks, from my point of view, tame.

Cultural Expectations and Monogamy

Because of the expectations of our culture, most men who get married might not be honest with themselves about what they want sexually because those things might become out-of-bounds. So how could they share that with their partners if they can’t admit it to themselves? Also, their partners are supposed to feel, according to the cultural expectations referred to above, threatened or jealous about those desires if they were to surface. But those desires of many men, well-hidden they may be under usual circumstances, become clear to the other participants of this ritual with the alchemy of alcohol and the other not-so-sacred rites of the bachelor party. Add those ingredients to the presence of drunk women who are either at bachelorette parties at the same club (and therefore possibly experiencing a similar desires) or who are trying to pry more dollar bills from the stack in front of these men (obviously at another kind of club).

Perhaps people have, in some sense, settled for what they see as the better choice between sexual freedom and the benefits of commitment. And perhaps the occasional desire, like the ones presented at such parties of a bachelor nature, are but a blip within a larger happiness encased in such commitment. But I don’t think that this, even if true, makes these desires trivial. I think it is meaningful to point out that there does not have to be a choice between sexual freedom and commitment. And this ritual of a bachelor party is part of the narrative that tells me that monogamy is not a value outside of uncertainty.

I, for example, have the wonderful joys of a meaningful, emotionally enriching, and sexually fulfilling relationship with Ginny. And there is no contradiction, in either of our minds, with this and the ability to have other sexual partners, relationships, and even other meaningful and emotionally enriching relationships. Because we both try to be honest with ourselves about what we want, are honest with each other about those same desires, and are secure enough with the status of our relationship that we don’t feel necessarily threatened by flirtation, enjoying the sight of, or the sexual activity with other people.

Wrapping Up this Bachelor’s Party

So, here I was yesterday with these other men, most of whom are married and in monogamous relationships (or at least want to be) and feeling no compulsion to hide any of what happened from anyone. And because of the ramifications for the other men with their partners, I have to keep it under wraps for their sake, at least insofar as their wives don’t find out. Ginny, on the other hand, was somewhat amused by some of what happened that night. And perhaps that is the other part of it; illuminating the truth of human behavior openly exposes truths that many people are not quite comfortable with. To share those activities with our partners allows them to see the secret rites of the bachelor party, which is to see what is hidden beneath the sometimes facadesque bliss of married life.

And, again, very little happened that would be a problem for these men and their relationships. And, in fact, a few were very well behaved because apparently) they are genuinely content with their relationships and therefore the temptations were not pressing. It was just a night out (an expensive one, granted) with some friends with more drinking than we really needed and being up very late. Those whose desires did press, even if they did not press far, will not face relationship problems because it really was quite tame.

One question remains; what kind of activity could I get into that could get me in trouble at my potential future bachelor party? Whatever activities might be included in such an evening, most of the men I was with Saturday night certainly could not participate. Hell, they might not even want to because it would be past their own boundaries. Even the single ones, in most cases.

More likely my bachelor party would bore them because I would feel no desire to find bachelorette parties, strippers, or prostitutes. It’s just not my thing. I prefer a few slutty friends, some good beer, and a large bed. I can’t really invite the guys for that, can I?

Well, maybe they can bring their wives. That would be interesting.

Monogamy is a sub-set of polyamory

There are certainly many people out there who are not practicing polyamory, right? I mean, many people are not in relationships with more than one person. People may date a few people while they look for “the one,” but ultimately, most people choose one person to be exclusive with. Monogamy, is, therefore the norm. Only aberrant people are polyamorous, right?

Well, not really.

First of all, allow me to clarify a few things.

Relationsips are not all about sex.

Yes, some relationships are all about sex, like the relationship one might have with a prostitute for an hour or so. But outside of that and the occasional sexual tryst at the office or whatever, relationships have more dimensions than that. Relationships are about common interests, goals, possibly emotional attachment, etc. And yes, sex too. But not always.

When we talk about ‘relationships,’ we tend to mean interactions with people we have romantic and/or sexual feelings for. And unless the people involved are saving themselves sexually (and I don’t know why anyone chooses to do so, but I digress), sex is usually involved in such relationships. But these types of relationships are one specific kind, and certainly not the rule. Statistically speaking, in fact, they are the exception. Most of our relationships are non-sexual, whether they are professional, educational, friendships, or based upon mutual animosity (everyone needs an arch-enemy, right?).

So, when we talk about relationships in general, we are simply meaning the set of interactions between people, some of which are based upon things like mutual sexual, emotional, and interest commonalities. Or, again, they might be based on mutual animosity.

Polyamory is not all about sex (but I repeat myself…)

I know people who are in deeply meaningful, intimate, and long-standing relationships who have never had sex. You probably do as well. But more specifically, I know people who are in polyamorous situations where one of their partners is not a sex partner. That simply is not what those people need or want from each other, and they get that elsewhere. But when I talk about polyamory with people, what seems to be discussed more often than not is how I can let my girlfriend (As if it’s up to me to allow her to do anything…) have other sex partners. Further, how can my girlfriend allow me (as if she has to allow me to do anything) allow me to have other sexual partners. In short, how can we be so slutty?

But this misses the point. Polyamory is not just about sexual non-exclusivity. It is about recognizing that we, as human beings with complicated and disparate needs, cannot have all of our needs met via one person. I may like to play Starcraft (I do) and perhaps my girlfriend does not want to play (in this case she does, but that’s not the point). She may like to be tied down and beaten a little, and I might not want to do that (whether or not either of these things is the case I’ll leave to your curiosity, because I’m that kind of sadist…and then of course I hint at the answer…maybe). The point is that perhaps we have some needs that our partner cannot fulfill. It seems perfectly natural that we would find another person to fulfill such needs. People have relationships with many people that fill different roles in our lives, and we care about many of these people.

And we all do this (at least I hope that we do!). But in the normal world out there we, for some reason that is not entirely clear to me, make a distinction between our ‘relationship’ and our friends/acquaintances/family. Now, to some point this is because of the cultural language game that we play, and the term ‘relationship’ has this specific meaning and most people use it that way. But I think that this language game begins to lose coherence as we start to analyze actual structure of people’s lives and what we do with our relationships of all kinds. The more that ideas like swinging, polyamory, and other challenges to the assumed sexual exclusive (“monogamous”) relationship become part of the cultural conversation, the more this dichotomy between our “relationships” and our friends dissolves. It certainly has dissolved for me.

So, polyamory is about developing intimate relationships with people whom we care about, and this recognition that we have complex and disparate needs often leads to sexual non-exclusivity. And some people will find that they are able to be fulfilled sexually with one person (at least at a time), while maintaining other non-sexual relationships with other people. And since polyamory is not just about sex, this arrangement can be called polyamory just as well as a triad, a quad, or some other sexual relationship configuration. But this specific polyamorous arrangement of people is precisely the same, in arrangement, as what we call ‘monogamy.’ Therefore, monogamy is a sub-set of polyamory.

Polyamory as the standard?

Now, I am being a little cheeky here, but I think a serious observation exists inside this cheek. I think that if we were to look at our lives more closely, we will find that what is called polyamory (its lessons about communication, honesty, and whatever else it has to teach us) should be the basis about how we think about relationships. Yes, some of use will end up in complicated multiple-person arrangements of sexual activity while others will have many acquaintances, a few friends, and one lover, but if that is where your needs and desires lead you then no polyamorous evangelical (if such a person exists, I might be considered to be such a person) would ever be at issue with you. That is, the goal should be to be happy with what it is you really want in a healthy, open, and honest way, not to be a slut (necessarily).

Polyamory, as it is used in most conversations, is about sexual non-exclusivity, but it is not so necessarily and therefore not in all cases. In the end, what I have learned about relationships, people, and myself while being polyamorous all people should learn. It would help make relationships of all kinds healthier, and if those lessons strengthen your relationship, then it does not matter if you have 1 sex partner or 100, because in some sense we are all polyamorous; we all love more than one person, and sex is not the same as love.

Perhaps at some time in the future, the term “polyamorous” will be as useless as the term “atheist” will be. Perhaps in the future people will simply follow there needs and desires towards whatever relationships work for them in the same way that people in the future will not believe in gods because there is simply not sufficient reason to do so and because they have taken the time to think through the reasons to attain these perspectives.

I know…pie-in-the-sky…

The assumption of monogamy; being polyamorous at a party

So, I’ve noticed that when people are at parties, meeting people, flirting, etc, there is a time in the conversation when it becomes clear that the person you are talking to is involved in a relationship. At this point, I have noticed that the flirting dies down, and often the physical distance increases. You suddenly see the person going into “respectful distance” mode or something.

Now, it isn’t that I’m looking for hookups, or that I’m interested n another relationship or anything, just notice that in almost every situation (except polyamory meetups, of course), someone being in a relationship somehow automatically throws out the possibility of continued flirting. And if it doesn’t stop, the tone of it always ends up as being playful, at most. I wonder if this is an indication of how many people still may harbor desires that would be compatible with polyamory. I also wonder if this is a way to test the possible waters of an affair or to see if, just maybe, they may not be particularly happy with their relationship and may be thinking about establishing some chemistry in case things don’t work out. The next time they see the same person at a party both flirting interlocutors may be single; then, well, nature takes its course.

I bring this up because of a particular situation. I was at a party with one of my lovely ladies last night when I noticed that a guy was apparently flirting with her. He may have just been friendly, but she’s an attractive woman, and I wouldn’t blame him for being interested. Now, at some point, he asked about the nature of our knowing one-another, and asked if we were together. When he found that we were, his demeanor changed slightly, probably not enough for her to notice, but I did. Now, I appreciate the respect that is most-likely intended here, but I could not help but think that it was based upon the assumption, shared by most people for fair reasons, that we were monogamous. I suppose I’d rather live in a world where the next question would move towards figuring out if we were monogamous or not, rather than assume it.

I don’t know if it’s ever happened to me in particular, but what happens if two polyamorous couples (or two swinging couples) meet at a party (just a regular party, not at a swinger’s club) and they both just assume the others are, well, “normal?” Well, what happens is that everyone may be thinking about something that won’t come up. Oh wait, that’s why there is alcohol and the “swapping” jokes that lots of couples say with one another, sometimes to test the waters or just because it tickles them the right way.

I just wish people could be more direct. Yes, I now that this will intimidate people who have not found comfort in these non-normal ways of life, and that some who may be interested will become defensive and react as such, but that’s their problem, right?

…

In any case, I just sort of wish that monogamy was not assumed. Hell, if my lovely lady and this gentlemen liked one-another, and both wanted to pursue a possible relationship, I might have been OK with that. He seemed lie a nice guy and (while I’m not bi) he was attractive, so it may not have been necessary to discontinue the flirtation. But, in the end, nothing came of it. And what’s worse, for me, is that I was unable to even educate people about this lifestyle of mine. I think that there are more potential poly people out there who just don’t think that anyone else thinks about things like this, thus they remain monotonous…sorry, I meant monogamous.

And then there was this girl there that I thought was interesting…but, like I said, I’m not looking….

😉