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My version of the record July 20, 2014

Posted by shaunphilly in Polyamory.
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For months now, Ginny and I have remained quiet about our side of the unfortunate events that led to and followed the breakup of our former family in Collingswood (including our former co-bloggers). I have felt that making any of our own version of events public would be a bad idea. It probably still is a bad idea, but writing it has been necessary for my own healing and for my ability to move on.

There are things about those events which are not known to most people, but which are very relevant to anyone who has any kind of opinion about me or what happened between the five of us.

Ginny and I have collaborated on such an account and it is available to [almost] anyone who wants to read it. You cannot search for it, but I can send you a link if you want to see it. I doubt many, if any, will want to read it, but if I’m wrong, let me know (either privately or in the comments below).

I may decide to publish the link publicly, at some point in the future, depending on how I feel about it going forward. I have been vacillating about doing that since I started writing it. I would very much rather move on and put this behind me, but months of nightmares, inability to sleep, and many long and difficult conversations with Ginny would only start to give way as I started to write about this.

And yes; I have been vague about my issues in the past (intentionally), and had reasons for doing so. That stops now, as I have recorded the essential events of what transpired from our point of view, to stand against a narrative which I have seen trickle through various channels to me over the last several months.

Going forward, I want to put this situation behind me.  It’s harder to do so while the people who have hurt us (and have continued to do so) are part of our extended polyamory network. Therefore, I a offering to give a link to anyone who wants to read it so that their side of events is not the only side available.

The full account will not appear as a blog post, here, most likely.

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Comments»

1. hessianwithteeth - July 20, 2014

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such crap. I’d be interested in knowing what happened.

2. Eric - July 20, 2014

Thank you for offering to share what happened. I am sorry that your family ended up apart. I know you have had to deal with a lot of heartache and sadness, and I wish you healing for the future. As for me I am having a lot of internal conflicts regarding my own poly situation, and am hoping I can learn from your experiences.
-Eric

3. Yukimi - July 21, 2014

Hi! I’m sorry you are having a hard time. I’m in a poly relationship so I’ve been following you for a while now and I’d be very interested in reading your point of view o I’d be grateful if you could send me a link.

4. wfenza - July 21, 2014

Please send me a copy, and please either (a) give me permission to provide a response after the conclusion of your document, or (b) send me a list of everyone you have sent it to that I know personally.

shaunphilly - July 21, 2014

I will give you permission to do neither. You have had your say, and this document is not for you. I do not trust you, and I will not allow you to traumatize me further. Further, we have asked you not to comment on this blog, as we have not commented on yours.

Now please leave me alone.

5. wfenza - July 21, 2014

I will not permit you to spread disinformation about my family and I behind our backs to our friends without comment. I would like you to you allow me to provide a response to your version of events, as we have not made any of the details of the situation known to anyone but the people closest to us. It seems self-evidently dishonest of you to present things entirely from your perspective with no opportunity for the other side to be heard.

To anyone else reading:
I hope that you can now see that this document is not about providing information, but about partisan scapegoating and shifting the responsibility for Shaun’s abuse of my wife onto other partners (primarily me, I’m guessing). I implore you to ignore it. If you don’t, please contact me if you are interested in hearing more than one side of the story. Please do not contact Gina, as she is not currently aware that Shaun has written this, and it will likely cause her even more damage to know of it. She is *actually* attempting to move on, and has no desire to relive her abuse.

6. Ginny - July 21, 2014

lol.

We’re done here. We’ve both asked you not to comment on this blog. If you persist, you will be blocked.

7. DrHoney - July 21, 2014

One of the reasons, a minor one, that I came to Polyliving in PA was to meet you all as I was impressed by seeing you all on video. I enjoyed meeting you all, attending your workshops, and was sad about the end of the relationships. I also follow your blog. I would like to hear both sides of the story as I am often counseling other, younger, poly folk. Please send the link and a way to correspond directly.
Dave

8. Gen - July 22, 2014

I have heard the other side and would like your side of the story, if possible.

9. C Sodry - July 23, 2014

I was also impressed by your story. My partner, K, and I are discussing the possibility of exploring a relationship with another couple, but we are concerned about the risk this could pose to our eight-year marriage. We are ready for our relationship to evolve; however, we want to be as successful as possible in this transition. We would most certainly appreciate hearing your side of the story, as we have followed your blog for years.

10. ICallBS - July 28, 2014

wfenza wrote – “we have not made any of the details of the situation known to anyone but the people closest to us. It seems self-evidently dishonest of you to present things entirely from your perspective with no opportunity for the other side to be heard.”

Isn’t this exactly what was done here?

http://livingwithinreason.com/2014/04/07/for-the-record/

Also, the other side has their own blog. How exactly are they being given no opportunity to be heard?

What I’m hearing from wfenza is paranoia, a lot of hypocrisy, and a desire to create a different set of rules for himself than for everyone else. That should place his credibility in serious doubt.

11. Matthew Crocker - August 2, 2014

Honestly, I couldn’t give a shit about the interpersonal drama. But it makes me, an outsider, think less of you that you would write down your version of events and offer it carte blanche to everyone except the people who really SHOULD give a shit, the people who it is about, and then actively refuse to give them a copy, or disclosure. I would think it would be actually LESS offensive if you just wrote it up and posted it publicly.

But the best would be to just keep internal discussions internal. I’m a big fan of “It ain’t none of anyone’s business” when it comes to relationship issues.


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