When I am having a tough day emotionally, I try to do something nice for myself at lunch. Because I work in a relatively boring area, the options of what I can do at lunch are relatively limited. It usually means getting some kind of food that is bad for me and wandering around a big box store.
So today was a trip to Taco Bell followed by a wander around the neighboring Target.
I know, I know, you’re all sitting there wishing you were me right now. “She got to get Grade F quality Mexican food AND walk around Target?!? What have I been doing with my life?”
Well, I don’t know fictional reader, but maybe it’s time to start reevaluating your priorities.
So, yes, I went to Taco Bell and ate something that I found absolutely delicious, all the while amusing myself watching the workers apply the sour cream to people’s meals with a restaurant grade caulking gun. The important ridiculousness to note here is that I already had to start my personal self improvement project. The place was relatively empty. The only tables taken were the booths. So when I got my food, I had the pick of the free standing tables around. There were two top tables and four top tables. So I thought, “OK, well, there’s only one of me, so I should take a two top table in case a bunch of theoretical larger parties come in. I don’t want to be that jerk who is taking up four seats when there’s only one of me!”
Yes, I said this to myself and actually sat down at the tiny two top table and was uncomfortable, having nowhere to actually put anything. And then I noticed that I had done that, got annoyed at myself and thought, “Jesus Christ, who are these people you are sacrificing for, you jackass? There’s no one here! IF THEY WANTED A BIGGER TABLE THEY SHOULD’VE GOTTEN HERE EARLIER. Why on Earth are you evening thinking about this? MOVE.” So I did. Happy, Me?
Then I walked outside and it was raining, so, like a proper suburbanite, I drove over to Target. While I would usually walk, I figured walking around a parking lot in the pouring rain was just setting myself up to be in my own melodramatic music video, with my face all wet. “Is the the rain, or TEARS?!? This video is so moving!” -said no one. So yeah, I drove. So sue me.
Don’t actually. What are you, some kind of asshole? Don’t answer that.
Full disclosure, I went in there with the main purpose of buying some sort of gummy candy. I love gummy candy, especially gummy candy filled with stuff. I decided that fine, I might have uncovered some sort of awful truth about my own sense of self-worth and motivations for all things in my life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy a god damn juice-filled gummy bear. I did allow for the possibility that something brightly colored and plastic would catch my eye and I might want to buy it because why the hell not. Target specializes in brightly colored plastic crap, so why don’t I just amend my reason for going to “I wanted gummy bears and brightly colored plastic impulse buys.” FINE.
I found my gummy bears and then started to wander through the kitchen section whereupon I saw these magnets for sale:
That’s right, people! PERIODIC TABLE REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS! It’s like Target KNEW I was depressed and asked their cheap plastic crap supplier to make these just for me AT A DISCOUNT! The set only cost $2.84. WHAT A BARGAIN!
So, since my gummy bears were only a buck I figured I must have them for my desk at work. I grabbed a set without looking at it very closely and went my merry way.
I got back to work and took a closer look at my magnets and what I saw upon second inspection was several hilarious inaccuracies that made me laugh out loud, making Target the hero of the hour in my quest to not be quite so pissed off today.
So, for my science loving readers, I give you the following:
1. The magnets have element letters on them so that you can spell things, apparently. They also list the name and the atomic number. Notice that the first element is D, for Dabnium, atomic number 153.
So…there’s no element D. I have a periodic table above my computer monitor and I see no D. There is Db, which stands for DUbnium. Not Dabnium. Also, according to my outdated Periodic Table, there are only 112 elements. Now there might be a few more by now, but certainly not over 150. So…everything about this is made up and it’s awesome. They just really wanted a D to spell Drink apparently.
2. Next to the first D, there is element R. Under the R they say that it is Radon, atomic number 154.
Well, the first problem is that Radon is NOT made up, but it has the symbol Rn and is atomic number 86. Why would they even do that? Don’t they know only nerds buy this crap? Hmm, more likely they are marketing to parents who hope their kids will be nerds.
3. Finally, there is element T, Theorem, atomic number 151. WUT? This is not an element. Obviously.
So yeah, I laughed and then showed my dork boss because I knew he’d appreciate it, which he did, because NERD POWER. Best 284 cents I’ve ever spent. *snort*
Perhaps the problem lies with me. Maybe if I didn’t have a periodic table in front of my face all day long I wouldn’t have thought these dubious. Why can’t I just be content to live in ignorance while licking a nice frozen Theorem-sicle?
Anyway, thanks Target. It’s good to know you’ve always got my back.
3 thoughts on “Now for Something Completely Different”
Witness the dumbing-down of America, where finding real elements on a periodic table is too much work, and considered pointless.
1) While inaccurate, the magnets are still adorable.
2) Taco Bell is one of my terrible comfort foods as well. Give me a chicken chalupa w/ nacho cheese topping and/or a Nacho Bell Grande, and all is well in my world!
I was ALL about to plan a trip to Target to get these until you stated the inaccuracies. I just… can’t. So nerdy, so sorry. 😉
PS – gummy candy is the tits.
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