Misogynist repellant!

Inspired by Jen McCreight, I’m going to see how many of these hideous, off-putting qualities I share with most American women (especially the highly educated ones):

1. They’re fat. (Not by any sane standard, but I’m not placing bets on how sane this guy’s standard is.)

2. They’re constantly glued to their phone. (It’s better than intermittently glued… last time I tried ripping it off the superglue took off two layers of skin, so I just keep it glued on now. Makes showering a bitch.)

3. They cut their hair short. (Yup.)

5. They think being funny and witty is a quality that men love. (Be fair, the laughter is a bit misleading.)

9. They have condoms in their drawers because they expect to have random sex with strange men. (Ah yes, random sex. Basically I just walk into a crowded room and see if any penes randomly happen to slip inside me. It’s the best!)

13. They don’t know how to be sexy. (It’s true. I have no idea. Sometimes people find me sexy, and I’m gratified, but it’s rarely because of any planned effort on my part.)

16. They wear pajamas in public. (Only sometimes!)

18. Their idea of travel is going to the beach or France. (Indeed, my idea of travel incorporates both pleasing geographical features and unfamiliar cultures. I’m such a whore.)

20. They are proud to date multiple guys at the same time, as if they were men. (It’s… uh… I just don’t even know what to say to that one.)

24. They make lame excuses for not putting effort into their appearance. (Technically I do put effort into my appearance: I put on clothes every day, usually earrings too, and I quite often put a little product in my hair. But, as with “fat,” I suspect this guy and I are using totally different scales.)

30. On their way home from work, they put on dirty sneakers that don’t match their outfit. (In the summertime it’s Chacos instead of sneakers.)

33. They insist on eating pizza or otherwise fattening food after a night of binge drinking. (Sometimes before, too!)

34. They’re obsessed with cupcakes. (It’s true. I love cupcakes. I’m not sure why this is an issue with this guy, but taking in this and #33, maybe he thinks women properly feminine women have unique limbic systems, lacking the appreciation of fats and sugars that men and us slobby American whores have?)

35. They care more about maintaining their career than a good home. (I write papers while my husband cleans. Thinking about how much that would piss this guy off makes me giggle.)

36. They rarely wear high heels. (I’m trying to phase them out completely!)

And now, a couple that don’t apply to me, but that shattered the Ironometer:

39. They are uncomfortable in their own skin. (Nothing says ‘uncomfortable in your own skin’ like maintaining a fairly natural appearance, wearing shoes and clothes that feel good, and enjoying the pleasures of tasty foods.)

42. They go on and on about the stupidest shit. (HAhahaha… awwww.)