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Growth: the result of challenged insecurities and fears February 18, 2009

Posted by shaunphilly in religion, atheism, polyamory, culture.
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The longer we go in not challenging ourselves and others, the longer we will continue to live in a world that will crawling towards progress.

We are weak, insecure, fearful, and habitual people. I speak primarily of Americans, because that’s the culture I live in, but I think it is true everywhere to some extent. We are afraid of challenging the mythological assumptions of the world around us. Most believe that faith is good, monogamy is the default, and that success is more important than integrity. We believe these things because the structure of the culture that dominates the world is populated by people that were taught these things and perpetuate these things. Thus, in some perverted sense, they are practically true because they are tradition.

But what is the basis for these beliefs? How many times have I heard that to not believe in something, to simply believe that the world in blind processes without the faith in a god, some paradise, or at least some ultimate meaning, then life is not worth living. Fucking bullshit.

People believe such things because they have never challenged themselves to actually think about this seriously. People are emotionally attached to their beliefs, and so their is a kind of pain when some fact, idea, etc comes to mind that contradicts their worldview. More common is the cognitive dissonance that arises in people who accept contradictory ideas.

Then there are the insecure, lazy, and ignorant hypocrites of the world;

Sunday Christians (those that really are only god-fearing at church, and otherwise don’t give a rats ass except when they meet an atheist). You have never really challenged yourself to figure out what you might really believe if you looked at the claims of your religion. You rely on the support group of the others around you (many of which are using you for the same thing), and have probably never even read your holy book.

Monogamous couples who cheat. You know very well that you want more people in your life sexually, and most even still love their spouses. Yet when you are asked what is wrong with polyamory you say it’s wrong, unnatural, or “not for me.” When you say it’s not for you, you mean its not for your partner, or that you don’t have the guts to open yourself up to the jealousy and insecurity that come with thinking about sharing yourself and your loved ones. Yes, there are some people who just make poor choices and really aren’t into being poly, but I think that a lot more of you out there are just scared, insecure, and fearful of the concept of you not being enough for someone else.

The worst part is that we don’t talk about these things. Religion and politics. Ok, sex too, at least insofar as challenging the fantasy of the soul-mate or the “one for me” mythology; the things that we are not supposed to talk about. Bullshit. The only reason that is true is because when we do, we expose the insecurities and fears of those that refuse to challenge themselves. We tell ourselves that we do it out of respect, but respect for what; Insecurity and fear?

Stop allowing your fears, as well as the fears of those around you, from preventing these discussions. Challenging the worldviews of people we disagree with (hopefully after honestly considering your own position), is how we can help our culture grow out of this insecure and fear-ridden infancy.

Grow up, and help the world around you grow up.

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Comments»

1. dangeroustalk - February 18, 2009

I agree with most of this blog. I do think that there are many reasons why religious people choose religion and we have to deal with each of them separately at times. Also there are many reasons why people are in monogamous relationships and I don’t think you really explored that. Personally, you are not the first one of my friends to be in a poly relationship so I never really had an issue with that. But having talked to others in such relationships, I know that it often takes a lot of very open communication and maturity. With any relationship there is always a balancing act of needs that must be met for all the people involved. The more people in the mix, the harder the balancing act becomes and so all people need to be very aware of everyone’s emotions to make sure that someone’s emotions and needs (even in a monogamous relationship) aren’t being over looked.

One of the things that is a concern in a poly relationship is that the idea of such a relationship is often different than the reality. Many people (usually men) get into the poly relationship because of the fantasy of a threesome and not because of the reality of a multi-love relationship. Those people are usually immature and either fail in their poly relationship or becoming overly controlling and make the situation unhealthy for at least someone involved. While this isn’t the norm for poly relationships, it is something that has to be guarded against through maturity and very open communication.
-Staks

2. shaunphilly - February 18, 2009

Excellent points.

Polyamory is not about the sex. It is when you realize that we have complex personalities and that we are close with different people for different reasons that we will find that sometimes we want to be with more than one person. It’s not that we care about anyone less, its about the fact that we have different parts of ourselves to explore, and sometimes that will involve love, sex, and all the things that coples do…except with more than one person.

Polyamory is hard. It challenges you to be good at communication, multi-tasking (lol, I’m terrible at that…but getting better), and time-management. It’s not a choice many people would want to make. I just think its one that more could make, if they wanted to and were willing to do the work.


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