Big relationship steps and Google

We have a sort of road map for relationships in our culture. There are stages in a relationship which are delineated by certain events which make clear to the world that the people involved have taken a step. In monogamous culture, these steps convey a level of seriousness in the relationship; levels of commitment and usually exclusivity. If they are just seeing each other, then it may not be out-of-bounds to ask tone of them out yourself. If she’s got a ring, then back off boys (and girls) because she’s spoken for!

Of course, depending on how old fashioned (read, prudish) people are, this might amount to “going steady” or “casual dating” or “fuck buddy,” but the labels and correlated events convey something about the nature of that relationship which indicates levels of seriousness. It is not my intention here to analyze these stages, as they really have nothing to do with my freaky life, being all non-monogamous and stuff. Those normals can have their boring stages, because I don’t want them anyway.

Now, within the poly world, the same rules don’t apply but there certainly are some common themes which could be talked about. Strictly speaking, there are not any real universally accepted “rules”, but there are certainly some sets of common tendencies and some common markers which tell you the relative seriousness of a relationship. Perhaps the starkest distinction between the monotonous…I meant monogamous, my apologies…and the polyamorous worlds is that there is a significant decline in likelihood of a level of seriousness between people implying that this person has become off-limits. Temporarily perhaps, especially if they are so into their new partner that they just have no inclination to see you right now, but not in principle and not generally. And since the general lack of exclusivity implies that one might have to manage one’s time better, this can mean logistical puzzles to solve, and this is where technology comes to the rescue.

One of the markers that has become common in the last few years for poly people is the sharing of Google calendars. When you get to the point where you want to manage your time better so that you can make sure that you have time to see your new loved one, as well as make sure to fit yourself into their busy schedule (after all, since they are so awesome everyone else wants some time with them too!), then you are declaring that this is more than just some temporary fling, probably.

So, the other day when I was opening my Google calendar settings so that I could add my new lady friend, Gina (she has subsequently given me permission to use her name, which I interpret as permission to gush about her publicly in great detail 😉 ), I also discovered that I had been continually giving permission to 3 ex-girlfriends from the last few years. Apparently, my usually organized mind does not think to un-invite people who were once important parts of my daily life from this relationship stage, probably having something to do with finding this sharing option only when you are looking for it, thus I simply forgot that I was still sharing with them. Suffice it to say, the oversight was taken care of.

My guess is that they has simply deleted my calendar information a while back, and not that they had been stalking me. I assume that because for the most part I have not heard from any of these 3 women in some time. Hell, even in polyamory breakups can often still lead to people losing contact and moving on. Sometimes even when one of them lives in your parent’s house and sleeps in your old bedroom (long story).

But in any case, I now have a newly organized calendar with two of my significant others’ information adding color to both my calendar and my days. I have me a Ginny and a Gina! (I swear that was not intentional, it just sort of happened that way). Of course, now my calendar tells me that I won’t be able to see Gina until Friday.

Stupid calendar.

Your partners’ needs

I have been thinking in the last couple of weeks about needs. We all have needs, desires, and an urge to fulfill them. Part of the reason we get into relationships with people, whether they are friends, professional partners, or lovers (or some combination thereof), is to satisfy the needs we have. There are things that we want, and we try to fulfill them with the help of other people when they can help do so, or by ourselves when we can.

And if our partners are not fulfilling our needs, we may have to talk with them about that in order to solve this problem. Or, maybe, we will need to find another person to help fulfill those needs. Either there is some level of neglect or incompatibility going on when such a need or desire is left unfulfilled, and we will not be as content as we could be if we were to fulfill those needs.

Not putting all of your eggs in one basket

One of the mistakes of the normal, monogamous, pair-bonded world is that it often relies on the notion that we are looking for a person to fulfill all or at least the majority of our needs. Sure, a relatively healthy monogamous couple will have their needs for companionship fulfilled with drinks with their friends, visiting family, or a hobby which they do not share with their romantic partner, but certainly all of their sexual and romantic needs are to be fulfilled by that romantic partner, right?

Well, perhaps, but this expectation seems to be unreasonable in the vast majority of cases to have. Sometimes the partner we find ourselves with is just incapable of fulfilling some need you have. Whether that need pertains to a kink you are into which they are not interested in, a role-playing role they don’t want to fulfill, or they are simply the wrong gender (this, I imagine, occurs often for bisexual people).

Further, not only are our needs complicated and diverse, but they will often change as we age. And they will not necessarily change along the same vectors as our partners’ needs, even if their ability to fulfill our needs complemented us well in the beginning. We have to keep an eye out for what our partners want now, while keeping in mind that what they want may change over time.

But what is key here is that this incompatibility does not have to be a death-knell of a happy, rewarding, and fulfilling relationship; perhaps that partner fulfills most of your needs, just missing a few small ones. Perhaps they fulfill a few very important ones. But even so you may be happier with the ability to seek out fulfillment with other people. This is one of the great strengths of non-monogamy; the ability to seek out variety without giving up on meaningful relationships nor what those relationships do give you.

Over-turning the coin

Now, of course it is important to remember that all these observations, while true for your needs and desires, are also true for the needs of your partners. You may not be able to satisfy the desires of your partners either, even if you genuinely want to. That is, perhaps, the hardest part of this on an emotional level; you want to fulfill your partners’ needs because you love them and want the to be happy. But the simple fact is that your willingness to tie them up is insufficient because you are not getting off on it to, and that’s a part of their need. Again, you may not be able to be all the things that your partner wants, regardless of your desire to please. No matter how hard you try, for example, you may not be able to be a sexy woman who your partner wants, even if you can be a sexy man that they may want at other times.

Sometimes you simply need to allow your partner to fulfill their needs elsewhere, which is often hard because you cannot be a direct part of it (and sometimes you can). And it is hard to do this sometimes, especially if you are prone to insecurities, fears, or anxieties about abandonment, some of which I have struggled with myself.

You should remember that in the same way that you may be able to fulfill a need with one person without thinking or feeling any less about another partner, your partners may be able to do the same and still love you and miss you when they are away. The fact that you cannot fulfill a specific need (or set of needs) for you partner does not imply that you do not fulfill needs for them as well (or perhaps more so). They are choosing to be with you for some reason, so do your best to fulfill that need and they will love you for it.

Selfishness in polyamory? Say it ain’t so!

Yes, it happens. I have seen circumstances in which a relationship is not negotiated or practiced with full fair and equal compromises or rules. It can occur in a number of ways, but perhaps more often it is where a partner has more than one relationship, but makes it difficult, if not forbidden, for their partner to have another relationship. In many cases it takes the form of saying that they want to give permission to allow their partner to have other relationships, but only giving it in extreme, unwanted, or nonexistent cases.

Permission is not valid if it is not given in a way that fulfills a partner’s needs or desires.

In one circumstance I experienced a few years ago while in a triad (3 people all dating each other), one of my girlfriends went back to her ex (of 8 years) who had a rule that she not sleep with other men, but allowed her to be with women. Thus we had to part ways romantically, which upset me greatly at the time. Now, she agreed to this rule, but it bothers me that she had to agree to it (for selfish reasons of my own, but also for reasons of fairness). Circumstances like this seem blatantly selfish to me, especially since he did continue to sleep with other women still (probably the ones she would bring home, which makes me wonder if that was the reason he allowed her to remain with women).

Personal experience aside (and I could cite more examples), this is an issue that irks me, and it is certainly one that has analogs in the monogamous world as well. Fundamentally, this is an issue of demanding a double-standard; you allow yourself to fulfill needs but restrict others from fulfilling theirs. It is a compromise of others’ needs but not of yours.

If you love someone, part of that is wanting to see them happy. We all have a moral and philosophical obligation to take a hard look at how we are treating the people we care about and determine if there is not improvement we could make. By submitting to our fears, insecurities, and anxieties we may find that we are holding people close to us in a desire for them to fulfill our emotional and/or physical needs while we are pulling them away from their needs, and we may be doing this without really being aware of it. And because they love us and care for our needs, they tolerate this behavior for our sake.

But they will not do so for too long, nor should they. Allow them to fulfill their needs and in the long-term, if they care for you genuinely, they will return that favor and your relationship will be strengthened. Trust is difficult to give in situations like this, but to not trust is not a sign of healthy relationships.

I’ll leave you with a little Sting, who makes a fair point.

Set your loved ones free and if they stay, then you don’t have to hold them too close or lock the door. They will be there for you when you need them, and you will be there when they need you.

Polyamory of the self

Love is difficult. Relationships are difficult. Maintaining more than one relationship is exponentially difficult, but perhaps it has joys that offset the difficulties therein. That is the idea behind polyamory–or at least one of them, anyway.

It is difficult to maintain a relationship with two people when one is struggling with one of them. The insecurities, fears, and other emotions and considerations which cause tension in relationships are compounded by the problem of another person being involved. It can quickly look like the other is an escape for the problems of the one relationship, which can often become true.

Poly people often talk about the multiplied relationships; the relationship between one and their primary, one and their secondary, the primary and the secondary, etc. But what is, perhaps, overlooked is an aspect of this complexity that applies to monogamous circumstances as well; the relationship between our various selves and with others.

We all, from time to time due to circumstances of profession, play, and intimacy wear different hats. There are aspects of ourselves which are subdued or expressed due to their needs, and we have to maintain a relationship between these facades in our lives in much the same way that we have to maintain relationships with others. And sometimes these different parts of ourselves don’t play nice, and conflict will emerge in much the same way as they do with polyamorous relationships or even in monogamous situations where friends and family influence the relationships (often through manipulation, but not always).

In short, I think that their are skills and lessons to be shared between the fields of psychology, relationships, and polyamorous wisdom.

I, for example, am usually seen by people that do not know me well as even-tempered, quiet, and perhaps even sweet. Anyone who knows me well is probably already laughing or shaking their head slightly in disbelief at the description. But the truth is that there is a large part of me that is temperate, reticent, and charming even. But under that partial-facade is a passionate and opinionated individual with ideas that don’t conform well to much of contemporary culture. That is, I’m not always a firebrand, but a firebrand I certainly am at times.

These parts of myself do not play well together. And when the passionate storm inside meets the other, there is internal conflict over how to proceed behaviorally. It is much like the argument in atheist circles about the tone of approaching religious folks–the passion of the so-called “new atheist” and the attempted respect of the “accommodationist” meet in a swarm of disagreement where the issues are not so much about substance as style–although substance is a factor as well.

I’ll apologize in advance for all the Babylon 5 references to come, but to those with ears, hear;

There is order and chaos here. Vorlons and Shadows live within this shell of a body, and the battle between harmony and conflict give rise to the conflict between them which, in turn, spawns beauty.

Perhaps it is a mistake to give too much exercise to the quieter and orderly aspects of me, because this side of me allows the other side to surprise people too much. But it is not pretend, it is just not the whole story. The part of me that is passionate enjoys a good argument, passion, and conflict. I believe in these times we tap into something inside us that contains truths that are not as raw when calm, and this is why we will tend to be harsherand say things we would not otherwise say. And when relationships survive these obstacles they only grow stronger where weaker ones are left dead. And despite the feelings of loss at such times, we learn and grow because we ultimately become stronger as a result of the culling that the Shadows of our soul inflict. The truth, as the Vorlons say, points to itself. Who are you? What do you want? These are questions which create conflict as well as provide us with perfect moments of beauty.

For me this is beautiful. After all, truth is beauty, and beauty truth, right? But truth cannot come only through orderly living–one needs to get under the skin to prompt chaos to create its own patterns of revelation for us. It’s why there is so much to be learned from tragedy.

But this is not seen as beautiful to many, and so this aspect of my personality is not seen for what it is for me, inside–in my “soul” if you would permit the antiquated term. I long for those that can see my soul for what it is. Perhaps I need practice with it to show it in full color all at once. It can be blinding, after all, when only seen occasionally or at times of uncertainty.

In conclusion, I need to find a way–and I think this is applicable to others as well–to show the passionate side of my self in a way that is not so contrasting to the other parts of me, so that they don’t seem so bright and surprising when they surface. Also, so that they are not so bright when they are let out of their common darkness due to starvation for air. A starved beast is much more dangerous when left unattended, after all.

We must love our selves before we can love others. Harmony in self before harmony in our relationships. There is always work to be done.

Polyamory is difficult

…yet has lessons even for the monogamous.

Relationships are difficult. People are complicated, and figuring out how to get along with them can often be a challenge. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with another person knows how difficult it can be. Now imagine that difficulty multiplied by, well, by however many relationships you have (and then double that, perhaps).

When you are polyamorous, the emotions of the people involved are much more present. It is much easier to gloss over and cruise by emotional difficulties when insecurities and fears are not as frequently unearthed. The fact is that the vast majority of us have insecurities, fears, and other issues that lay under our everyday lives. Our culture has evolved in such a way that, for most people, these insecurities can hide most of the time. They come out from time to time, and perhaps we see a therapist or have talks with close friends, but they don’t dominate our lives.

But the lifestyle of polyamory brings many circumstances to the table which bring the hot buttons of our insecurities to the surface, meaning that they will be pressed much more often. This, in turn, forcies us to become very familiar with the terrain of our emotional landscape. That is, you are forced to actually deal with your fears, insecurities, and other parts of ourselves that we try to hide (from ourselves as well as others).

When we are compelled, through the circumstances we find ourselves, to find ways to deal better with our issues in life, we grow and mature in ways that we would not otherwise. And as far as relationships are concerned, this can be a great boon. This is why I think that what polyamory has to teach us is invaluable to anyone who has emotions. That is, I think that what polyamorous people learn through living this lifestyle should be learned by everyone, whether they are single, monogamous, or polyamorous.

So, what are these things that we should learn? Well, I’m no expert, but I’ll give a very quick analysis of what I think is most important:

Communication is essential: We must tell our partners what we really think. We must not hold back things we do not like or things that we want.

Honesty is vital: We must first be honest with ourselves about what we want. Then we must be honest with our partners about what we want. Outside of things like the details for their upcoming surprise party, we need to keep an open line of communication about the things that our partners need to know, which brings us to…

We must create and maintain boundaries: In each relationship, we must use our communication and honesty to decide what is acceptable and what is not in that relationship. Rather than have what is “normal” or standard become the default, we should create our own rules and borders of the relationships we are in, keeping in mind that they may change over time and may need periodic adjustments.

These should be the basic rules for all relationships, not just what poly people talk about. I think that if everyone would follow these basic rules, rather than having the assumed rules of the monogamous world imposed without question, then we would find that things like polyamory would naturally emerge among people who have, perhaps secretly, desired something a little different.

The problem is that most people fall into relationships and never bother discussing many of the important things about the relationship. Most people simply assume that at some point you have to make a decision to commit to one person or another or to remain uncommitted. This absurd dichotomy overlooks that people can, if they choose, commit to more than one person, or primarily to one but with others, or whatever structure suits everyone involved. But when people automatically settle towards the cultural standard of monotony… I mean monogamy…, then people are often left without much of what they really want, which they think is the necessary sacrifice for a “real” relationship.

You don’t have to sacrifice everything you want. Try and be honest with what you really want in your life, and you may find that there are people that want the same thing as you. And don’t forget to start being honest with yourself so that you don’t find that you have worked yourself deep into a relationship with a person with whom you share few relationship goals simply because you didn’t know what you really wanted.

Finally, don’t worry about those insecure and fear-ridden people that you may scare off with your particular goals or kinks, because those people have to work on themselves before they are worth your time anyway.